After realizing I hadn’t updated this thing, I figured I should, even if no one else reads it. The writing itself is pretty therapeutic. The last post was me reacting to the book I had just finished listening to. Since then I have finished other books, notable Morrisey’s autobiography. On that, I love a lot of his music. It really hits me in a way other artists never have been able to, but listening to his book make me feel as though he is insufferable. He has a lot to gripe about, and I feel like I heard all of them while listening to it, still love his work. On a personal note, I have not had a drink since before my last entry. After going an extended amount of time without drinking, I realize how much I had been drinking, and for how long. How much time had I wasted? How much shame and embarrassment had I heaped upon myself? Who cares! Yesterday is gone and tomorrow never gets here. I do know this, I am tired a lot, I work a lot, and like most people probably, I don’t want my entire life to be work. What to fill it with then? What do I determine to be worthy enough for my time and attention? Spend more quality time with my family (whoever that consists of at any one time), finish my car one day, try to stay out of frivolous debt, and maybe focus on a little happiness if possible. Yea, right!
I recently went home to the town I grew up in, something I do not do often, if ever. Leading up to the trip, I had casually messaged a few people, trying to arrange a possible meetup. Something casual, not a big deal or anything I thought. However, after being somehow invisible the entire time I was there, I did not see or talk to anyone. I cold not have felt any more insignificant. I realized how much I really DID want to see people. After I went back home, I figured I may never see these people again. I hadn’t seen most of them for over 20 years already, so I’m not sure why it bothered me so much. I think it was because this had been a not so great year at my house, and I was turning my attention outward. I was looking for some sort of attention or validation from somewhere else. The entire experience has prompted me to refocus myself to MY home, MY house, and my family. Even if my relationships here are not “great”, I can work on them, instead of letting them languish in inattention while I feed my own needs elsewhere.
Sobriety can be pretty boring, but then again, I am getting older. I do not go out, nor do I need to be going out and “partying”, going to clubs, etc. Haven’t I done that enough? I feel like I got all that I was supposed to, and now I should be focused elsewhere. But holy crap, there are many nights where I just want a hard drink, or hit the vape pen a bit, and zone out. It sure feels good……, in the moment. Maybe that’s the point of this, a transition away from living “in the moment” to just living, from being happy right now, to just being happy(er).
