My Dart

So when setting this up, I wasn’t really sure what it would be. A blog!? Seems a bit “old fashioned” for this day and age. Maybe a diary of sorts? Even more old fashioned. Then I thought, why not? Outlets are healthy, so here goes.

Today I finished Lol Tolhurst’s book Cured. It was fantastic on multiple levels for me. First, as a Cure fan, hearing the stories of their childhood and school years was fascinating. I love these types of stories from musicians I like, and especially this group. It was like some sort of origin story so popular with the comic book circles, only these were some of my superheroes! I won’t get into some sort of retelling of the book, suffice to say I was enthralled with the story telling.

I must admit that even though I claim to be a fan of the Cure, I haven’t really studied them like I wish I had. Over the years my music tastes have swung all over the spectrum, nearly. While early in high school, and even when I was younger thanks to my brother, I loved the Cure. I would listen to certain album over and over. I had a group of friends that also loved them. As I got on a bit I found myself listening to many other groups that were getting harder, faster, and angrier, much like many a teenage cliche`. I would listen less and less for a couple of reasons, one was that I was struggling with my ideas of sexuality, and many of their songs would bring up some feelings that I might want to hide. Second was that I was having some serious emotional issues with my own anger and depression, and I often felt the longing, sadness, love, and many other emotions when I would listen and I was not capable at that time of regulating or processing my emotions in any sort of way, and listening to the Cure often sent me into spirals I could not manage very well.

The other thing that really resonated with me about this book was the way alcohol had played a part in his life. From the way it effected his father and his relationship with him, along with other problems his father had, to what role it played in his life directly. His descriptions of nights partying, and how they morphed into panic mornings not remembering what happened the night before, and hoping it wasn’t too bad really struck a nerve with me. I don’t know what it’s like to be Lol, but I know those feelings he had. I understood what he was talking about intimately. There was a part where he drove out to the desert to find something by leaving everything, not his words, and having done something eerily similar this also hit me hard. I could feel myself on my own journey that is never a straight line, but zig zagging all over the place. These moments are precious, and hopefully we are allowed more than one per lifetime, and he reminded me of that. I picked this book up hoping to learn about the Cure and reconnect with the love of their music, and ended up with a better understanding of the people in the band, and a better understanding of myself and others. Thanks LOL!

After realizing I hadn’t updated this thing, I figured I should, even if no one else reads it. The writing itself is pretty therapeutic. The last post was me reacting to the book I had just finished listening to. Since then I have finished other books, notable Morrisey’s autobiography. On that, I love a lot of his music. It really hits me in a way other artists never have been able to, but listening to his book make me feel as though he is insufferable. He has a lot to gripe about, and I feel like I heard all of them while listening to it, still love his work. On a personal note, I have not had a drink since before my last entry. After going an extended amount of time without drinking, I realize how much I had been drinking, and for how long. How much time had I wasted? How much shame and embarrassment had I heaped upon myself? Who cares! Yesterday is gone and tomorrow never gets here. I do know this, I am tired a lot, I work a lot, and like most people probably, I don’t want my entire life to be work. What to fill it with then? What do I determine to be worthy enough for my time and attention? Spend more quality time with my family (whoever that consists of at any one time), finish my car one day, try to stay out of frivolous debt, and maybe focus on a little happiness if possible. Yea, right!

I recently went home to the town I grew up in, something I do not do often, if ever. Leading up to the trip, I had casually messaged a few people, trying to arrange a possible meetup. Something casual, not a big deal or anything I thought. However, after being somehow invisible the entire time I was there, I did not see or talk to anyone. I cold not have felt any more insignificant. I realized how much I really DID want to see people. After I went back home, I figured I may never see these people again. I hadn’t seen most of them for over 20 years already, so I’m not sure why it bothered me so much. I think it was because this had been a not so great year at my house, and I was turning my attention outward. I was looking for some sort of attention or validation from somewhere else. The entire experience has prompted me to refocus myself to MY home, MY house, and my family. Even if my relationships here are not “great”, I can work on them, instead of letting them languish in inattention while I feed my own needs elsewhere.

Sobriety can be pretty boring, but then again, I am getting older. I do not go out, nor do I need to be going out and “partying”, going to clubs, etc. Haven’t I done that enough? I feel like I got all that I was supposed to, and now I should be focused elsewhere. But holy crap, there are many nights where I just want a hard drink, or hit the vape pen a bit, and zone out. It sure feels good……, in the moment. Maybe that’s the point of this, a transition away from living “in the moment” to just living, from being happy right now, to just being happy(er).